turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
