she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
