Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
