Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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