then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
