I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
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I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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