I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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