I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
