I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
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I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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