I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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