my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
