If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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