So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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