What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
