I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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