So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
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You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
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I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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