Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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