So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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