As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
