I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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