I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
