i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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