You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
