I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
