I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The air taste purple.
Randomize
