Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
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You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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