My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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