Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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