My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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