you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
