Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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