i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
