I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
is that a dick in a sweater?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
