Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
