She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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