It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
