I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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