i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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