it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
