Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
