If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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