proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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