I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
