Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
