she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Randomize
