Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
