Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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