Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Sext me about skeletons
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
