Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize