I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
