I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Drunk is a universal language darling
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
