We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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