She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon